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Explaining Suicide to Children
"What
should I tell the children?" A question often asked
after the suicide of a loved one. The answer - the
truth.
Many people still believe it is best to shield children
from the truth, that somehow this will protect them.
More often than not, the opposite is true. Misleading
children, evading the truth, or telling falsehoods to
them about how someone died can do much more harm than
good; if they happen to hear the truth from someone
else, their trust in you can be difficult to regain. Not
knowing can be terrifying and hurtful. We've always been
told that "honesty is the best policy" and just because
the subject is suicide, that doesn't mean this time is
any different.
What children might be feeling after losing someone they
love to suicide:
1. Abandoned - that the person who died didn't love
them.
2. Feel the death is their fault - if they would have
loved the person more or behaved differently.
3. Afraid that they will die too.
4. Worried that someone else they love will die or worry
about who will take care of them.
5. Guilt - because they wished or thought of the
person's death.
6. Sad.
7. Embarrassed - to see other people or to go back to
school.
8. Confused.
9. Angry - with the person who died, at God, at
everyone.
10. Lonely.
11. Denial - pretend like nothing happened.
12. Numb - can't feel anything.
13. Wish it would all just go away.
Children and adolescents may have a multitude of
feelings happening at the same time or simply may not
feel anything at all. Whatever they are feeling, the
important thing to remember is that they understand it
is okay. And that whatever those feelings are, they have
permission to let them out. If they want to keep them to
themselves for a while, that's okay too.
How do we explain suicide to children or young people?
It may seem impossible and too complex to even try, but
that's exactly what we must do - try! Their age will be
a factor in how much they can understand and how much
information you give them. Some children will be content
with an answer consisting of one or two sentences;
others might have continuous questions, which they
should be allowed to ask and to have answered.
After children learn that the death was by suicide, one
of their first questions might be, "What is suicide?"
Explain that people die in different ways - some die
from cancer, from heart attacks, some from car
accidents, and that suicide means that a person did it
to him or herself. If they ask how, once again it will
be difficult, but be honest. (Over)
Some examples of explaining why suicide happens might
be:
"He had a illness in his brain (or mind) and he died."
"His brain got very sick and he died."
"The brain is an organ of the body just like the heart,
liver and kidneys. Sometimes it can get sick, just like
other organs."
"She had an illness called depression and it caused her
to die."
(If
someone the child knows, or the child herself, is being
treated for depression, it's critical to stress that
only some people die from depression, not everyone that
has depression. And that there are many options for
getting help, e.g. medication, psychotherapy or a
combination of both.)
A more detailed explanation might be: "Our thoughts and
feelings come from our brain, and sometimes a person's
brain can get very sick - the sickness can cause a
person to feel very badly inside. It also makes a
person's thoughts get all jumbled and mixed up, so he
can't think clearly. Some people can't think of any
other way of stopping the hurt they feel inside. They
don't understand that they don't have to feel that way,
that they can get help."
(It's important to note that there are people who were
getting help for their depression and died anyway. Just
as in other illnesses, a person can receive the best
medical treatment and still not survive. This can also
be the case with depression. If this is what occurred in
your family, children and adolescents can usually
understand the analogy above when it is explained to
them.)
Children need to know that the person who died loved
them, but that because of the illness, the person may
have been unable to convey that to them or think about
how the children would feel after the loved one's death.
They need to know that the suicide was not their fault,
and that nothing they said or did or didn't say or do,
caused the death.
Some children might ask questions related to the morals
of suicide - good/bad, right/wrong. It is best to steer
clear of this, if possible. Suicide is none of these -
it is something that happens when pain exceeds resources
for coping with that pain.
Whatever approach is taken when explaining suicide to
children, they need to know they can talk about it and
ask questions whenever they feel the need, to know that
there are people there who will listen. They need to
know that they won't always feel the way they do now,
that things will get better, and that they will be loved
and taken care of no matter what.
SA\VE - Suicide Awareness\Voices of Education, 7317
Cahill Rd., Edina, MN 55439
1-888-511-SAVE
Phone 952-946-7998, Fax 952-829-0841
www.save.org, save@winternet.com
Copyright 1996 by Tracy Pierson
Tracy Pierson is Community Education Coordinator for
SAVE -
Suicide Awareness\Voices of Education. She conducts
presentations on depression awareness, suicide
prevention, intervention and postvention.
This article is printed from http://www.SelfGrowth.com |
